You, your beautiful soul, it’s the home, but your outside self, it’s just a house.

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I have to be honest. I was blue this weekend for a time. I know, I know, JOY is my word this year. My 2018 word. But sometimes, it’s funny, how just a small thing will take us to somewhere our heart hurts. We don’t want to go, but yet, somehow we find ourselves struggling in this Black hole of sadness. I knew I didn’t want to dwell there and I chose not to stay there but I did visit. It was a dark place that tried to steal my joy.

And yes, as I said, I somehow landed in this dark abyss this weekend. I was so happy looking for land and planning my dreams for my kids and I. All of a sudden out of nowhere came this horrible, dark monster. Not a real monster but it still grasped my heart. And it had no mercy, it grew feeding on my sadness.

This monster whispered to my soul, your kids won’t have as much room to play in this new place. You are failing as a mom, or really is this the  best you can do? Somehow, every fear that I hid in my heart, all of a sudden turned my happiness into despair. This despair was the worst kind. It ran down my face in the form of tears. Even writing this I have a quick flashback of sitting in my car with my friend and looking out over this small plot of land. I felt I wasn’t enough to do any of this. You know what I mean? We, as humans often discount our “enough” abilities. It holds us back in its ugly claws and limits us.

But then I also had this memory, of my friend telling me, “Becky, your house you have is just a house. You, your person is what makes it a home.” And your kids will love you despite the house you are in.” (And I quote Jenn-thanks girl, you are wise🤗) I knew she was right. What an amazing thing! We can speak into someone’s life, even at times possibly flippantly, and it can change someone’s world during a hard time.

So, I started this journey with all of you …well, at least a handful who are reading my blog and I want to give an update. I have been pouring over houseplans and I’m leaning towards this little bright and cheery cape cod. I need some light in my life. I wanted to post a picture of the land I’m looking at. At this point nothing is set in stone. But for anyone who feels discouraged in the mountain of a task ahead of them, take courage my friend.

No one has ever succeeded without a taste of failure. I feel strong after this weekend, and I’m sure I will still have moments where the ugly despair monster grabs my heart. But for now, I continue this journey in making a different house my home. And I want to experience joy during this process. How blessed I am to have friends and family walking thru this with me. My goal for January is to buy land and I do agonize over the right decision, but I hope to keep the goal.

And this title, how it speaks to me so much! It grew roots from my friend’s words, but then expanded as it settled in my heart. Your shell can be beautiful, but your soul can still be dark and ugly. I want those who meet me to see my inside as this beautiful home they can relax in, take off their shoes, share laughter, and confide in. Because you know how it is sometimes with a beautiful house, it doesn’t always invite you? Sometimes, you just want to stand at the threshold of a perfect house and not mess anything up inside, you know, hold back, and stay on the surface? . But I want my home, my soul to invite you …”come in, please, have a cup of tea, with me ☕️ ” yes, that’s what I want, a beautiful home, a soul full of Grace.

Parcel of land I looked at 1/6/2018 and the place these words were born from.