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I started this particular blog entry because of this moment of guilt that gripped my heart. I thought maybe this was too revealing to write about. But one thing I have found, with blogging, you are never alone in your experiences. The human heart is amazing and beautiful and sometimes it simply hurts. I find many times that too much guilt surrounds our hearts and not enough joy.

So, this struck me out of nowhere. I was driving, early and the sunrise was amazing, I found myself with tears of joy, thinking of what I had come thru in the last couple of years. And he came, “Guilt.” The masterful, sneakiness of guilt, he is quite the manipulator. And it always surprises me. Guilt tiptoes around the corner and slides right in beside me as I drive. And he takes over the passenger seat, riding shotgun, settling in. He whispers “You are a horrible person, and have made so many mistakes. How can you be happy? He reminds me I have just come thru a season of great loss. And I have this moment where guilt grips my heart. Have you ever had this moment during great loss where you still felt this moment of joy and had a pain of guilt? And I reason with him. But Guilt wants to strangle my heart and leave me in despair.

I then make a choice, I no longer reason with “Guilt” I forcefully tell him he has no place. And his hold lessons on me as he grips now with just one hand. I wonder if that’s ok? But it’s not, guilt so easily takes completely over if we give him even one moment to override our joy. I tell him to leave. I start focusing on what my existence means to others, who care about me and what my worth is. Guilt leaves.

I can breath, I can have joy. Sometimes it’s so simple, Joy beckons us to release our Guilt. This isn’t just about us, it’s about others too. When your head is down and your heart is burdened with guilt, you miss joy. I was driving home from coffee with my lovely friends one morning and randomly jumped out of my car to take this picture of this happy field of sunflowers. I imagined others having joy when they saw this picture. This is what spurs me on not miss these joy moments.

I’m sitting here on my cool down at the running track, pondering life as I often do when I’m alone. The world is quiet around me, in the early hours of the morning. There is this amazing breeze and I listen as the birds begin to wake up, I think to myself, this has been a tough week for me.

I was struggling inside of this “sprint” moment and feeling defeated. You know, that short little run that leaves no room for mistakes because it’s quickly over. And I started thinking about my journey. I think this week I forgot to try to find joy in my journey. And that is the problem, I can not choose joy, if I don’t attempt to find joy.

I have had set backs on my house due to no fault of my own. Yesterday I made 11 phone calls, made two trips for more blueprint copies, sent out 18 emails, and probably 30 text messages. All of the permits with the city just seemed overwhelming and hopeless. And then I felt saturated. I felt like I was just spinning my wheels. And then it came.

“Discouragement.” She maneuvered her long fingers around my heart and squeezed. She moved effortlessly extinguishing the accomplishments I knew I had completed for the day. And I waited, paralyzed by the swiftness Discouragement displayed in taking over my day, my week, my journey.

Discouragement does not care what you have accomplished, she strives to bring you down until that moment that she invites Despair to join in your downward spiral.

But then, I set Disappointment aside and had this moment thinking about my journey. I started thinking of how blessed I was. I started to try to find some moments of joy. Disappointment started to fade away and Despair never had a chance. I reminded myself. I am free. My journey is not over yet. I have time to rewrite part of my journey into something beautiful. I didn’t always find joy in my journey because at times I was focused on survival. But now, I have this chance, it’s something some people never experience. But it came with a price. It came with tears and moments where I felt so alone I thought my soul would die within me. It came with those I thought that loved me turning their back to me, that is a difficult price to pay. But I chose life and unless someone has had that choice they can’t begin to understand.

I may not be doing everything everyone else thinks I should be doing. But this is my journey, not theirs. I choose to find joy in my journey. I think I will look back and be glad that instead of being disappointed in my timeline not being perfect, that in the end I chose joy for my journey. And if I do have to choose, I’d trade a revised timeline rather than no joy. I have found that sometimes you simply have to keep looking and you will find joy, then you choose that for your journey. That’s my goal.