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I’ve been to the ocean on a bright and sunny day and watched as the waves lazily hit the sand. Then, out of no where, far out on the horizon these dark, angry clouds form out above the ocean and instantly everything changes. The waves rise up in defense and the rain joins the chaos. Most people run for cover but often I have stayed. The storm is memorizing, the waves are great turbulent creatures.

And it makes me think about the waves of hurt. It’s simple, being human sometimes hurts. I have found often myself on the outside looking in someone’s else’s world as they experience pain caused by another. It’s not me going thru it but it’s still painful.

But just like the storms of the ocean, hurt is inevitable. But the question is raised, can I still chose joy? Hurt is like this great storm brewing. I know first hand because, oh my goodness how this has been part of my life for the last 3 years. Hurt starts out small, a couple waves that shake us a little, but still barely visible in the corner of our heart. It could be an unkind word from someone, or people excluding you, things we as humans don’t give a thought to. But then hurt, it grows into this terrible , raging storm. The fierce waves of resentment and anger combine with the storms of hurt to create an unstoppable force.

The huge waves squelch our joy and no one can get close to us because of this storm..it destroys people close to us. It separates and divides, seeking it’s goal to create a path of destruction. The initial wave of hurt is totally unrecognizable at this point. The storm is confused about its path but is fed with the desire to rectify the hurt.

Oh, how I regret the times in my life when I got to this point. I wish so many times when my hurt was just this small wave , I would have dealt with it and then chose joy. I would have acknowledged the waves but not given them power. After all, sometimes what starts the waves, is sadness, other’s insecurities, or even jealousy.

It’s taken so long for me to realize this truth. We can’t control the start of the waves, the hurt that people inflict upon us, the storm way out on the horizon. But we can control the hurt from turning into a raging storm. We can have Joy on the other side of the storms of pain. The ocean is beautiful, there are storms, but they don’t last forever. And I have found the ocean even more beautiful once the storm dies down. The waves once again return to gently, lovely creatures creating the extraordinary ocean sound that soothes my soul. We can chose not to let the fierceness of the waves of pain to destroy our relationships, our lives, our Joy. There is still beauty standing along side the ocean after a storm, and there is still joy after the misunderstandings and hurts. Our relationships can be stronger after these heart hurts, it’s all in choosing the joy.

“A song I wrote …..”CHOOSE JOY” 2017

I love to get up early and multi-task. And this morning is about the same as any other morning. I throw a load of laundry in, on my way to the laundry room I think “oh, dishes need to be put away” and open up the dishwasher, and I then remember, I need to run out and check my propane level, it’s been so cold. Some days it feels as if I get out of bed and my feet don’t touch the ground. I have school and then also, work, too. It’s the dance we all do.

But today, on this day I stop. I have time to ponder things because school has been canceled. I’m sitting with my coffee and looking out at the window at my amazing, breathtaking view of snow and then out of nowhere it hits…”Lonely.” He comes in. He grabs my heart and doesn’t play fair. Lonely whispers his insensitive words and they create these heart hurts.

What is it about the human soul that fights being lonely? I wonder sometimes if this is a flaw of mine? Everyone doesn’t fight this. I have friends who have told me they don’t experience being lonely, they like it. I can’t imagine? I crave fellowship and humans and touch. This is me though. Then I think back to the last few years of my life and at different times where Lonely thought he had me where he wanted me. But I had this moment so beautiful that Joy comes back over and over when I take time to remember. I want to share this Joy moment with you.

It was a snowy, beautiful day much like today. My kids were gone and I had time on my hands. Lonely had been with me all day. I tried to get him to leave by working but he persisted. I finally decided to go for a long hike. I went to this beautiful place and no one else was there. And of course Lonely, he whispered, “See, look at you, still all alone.” I had this moment where I thought I should turn back but then I looked further up the trail. It beckoned me with promise and potential Joy. I sat aside the present moment, Lonely tried his best to influence my decision to turn back. I stood on my tippy toes, at the edge of the woods, looking up the trail trying to see what it was like. The trails were totally silent with this white, glistening of snow, it looked like a dream, like walking thru Narnia. I took the first step.

Large hemlocks graced the trail, their majestic branches leaning under new snow. I felt like this great adventurer blazing a trail thru the untouched snow. Lonely, now Sulking, he was walking with me, a distance away but still a stubborn force. But Then, I came upon this opening in the woods. This beautiful, untouched meadow.

It took my breath away. Total silence. The The woods loomed all around, towering trees, heavy with snow. And then there was  this  beautiful meadow, dusted like sugar with layers of snow. It made my heart sing, ringing out thankfulness to my creator. Snow had settled on the golden rod and and every other surface. The sun hit it and it looked like a bed of diamonds. Even a lone spiderweb had every thread glistening with snow. There was no wind, no sound, just pure silence. And Lonely, I have to admit, he was there too, so persistent, with one goal, to steal Heart room from Joy.

But then, out of no where, in the middle of this beautiful, silent meadow came three separate whirlwinds. But the woods, the  trail, everything around me was silent, no air, no dried leaves rustling, no movement at all, but these three whirlwinds. I watched fascinated, I was frozen in time, memorized. The whirlwinds lasted for a minute stirring up snow and leaves, perfect, like little baby tornadoes, stirring up beautiful snow, up to the sky. Then, quickly,  they were gone. And once again, everything settled down and was quiet.

I stood there not realizing I was holding my breath. Then Joy, she ran down my face. That was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. And Lonely, the coward, he was long gone. I returned to the trail, my heart was so full of joy. Oh, how I wish I could paint the picture I saw that day. But instead, this melody, I shared with you, it was borne out that moment. I hummed it all the way home.

I went home to my keyboard and this melody came all the way from my heart, born out of that moment of Joy. It had been years since I created any music, I thought music was long gone, that once upon a time I loved to create. But effortlessly, It escaped deep out of my soul and then went thru my fingertips, like magic. And to be honest, I had  these moments where Lonely did make an appearance in my song too. But that’s ok. I had to be real.  I’ve found sometimes experiencing Joy will also include those moments of Lonely fighting for heart space.

If I had not been lonely this morning, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. There is someone reading this and they feel like Lonely grips their heart and Joy has no place. But it’s not true. Give space to Joy! Write a note to someone, take flowers to someone who never gets them, write down 3 people who care about you. Write down your Joy moment and use it as ammunition against Lonely. Sometimes the fight against Lonely is simple, give heart space to Joy.

*And a side note My song “Choose Joy” I have struggled for a year to find a title for that song and literally just named it 1/16/18 while writing this blog. Isn’t that funny! If you are currently fighting lonely….Listen…close your eyes and imagine yourself in a snow, ladened meadow, with three little happy whirlwinds. And maybe for this moment, your moment, you will defeat lonely and make room for Joy too.

I started out wanting to be this blogger with a certain purpose but I’m finding that my purpose is to just be real for that moment, that day, and just blog my heart. ❤️.

Maybe someday I’ll look back and find out I did this blogging all wrong? But I’m a spontaneous person by nature so maybe I’ll say “it was ok, I was just being me.”

So, this morning I had this knock on my door, my dog, Tugboat, was going crazy? I thought some person had come to plow my driveway, but I opened up my door to this:

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I laughed so hard. They have a barn with warm straw but they like the snow.

I found joy and laughter in my Tugboat’s interaction with these goats. And that set the tone for my whole day. I observed the fact she stopped temporarily to eat the snow which brought her great happiness. She forgot for a moment about all of her barriers and chose that moment to experience happiness.

What an “ah-ha” moment for me? How often I look at all the barriers keeping me from future happiness and forget the happiness right at that moment! I need to embrace my “now Joy” moments. My barriers will still be there. I have lots of hard work ahead of me. But I want to be this person….experiencing “joy moments” every day. It’s not just about me, I want to be contagious in my joy too.

I want to find happiness in eating snow, even when the goats of life, with those dangerous looking horns are standing in my way. That’s what I want. And a side note. I’m not going to be be able to make every single person happy with what I see as joy moments. Some people- they won’t embrace eating snow with me while the horned goats are nearby, but that’s ok too.

My heart changing moment was losing my daughter, Annabelle Joy. I was thinking about the “Moment” where one’s world can be so changed that they start defining their entire life by that very Moment. I never understood how someone could define their life in that way? But now that I have my own “Annabelle Joy Moment,” I can grasp this. I think that unless you experience your own life-altering moment, it can be hard to truly fathom another human’s Moment.

I always thought of myself as this compassionate person. I thought I had this connection with people going thru tragedies, until I went thru my own Moment. And only then, did I realize everything I had once offered to hurting people was just surface small talk, sprinkled with safe accolades. Sharing someone else’s Moment can be messy. It hurts and makes you a friend for the long haul. That is a huge heart commitment.

I was worried about writing this blog. From the start of all of this, I promised I would be transparent when I wrote my heart. But sometimes being transparent can open one up for potential hurt. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I have this fear. This horrible, ugly fear, and I have to admit, sometimes it grips my heart. My fear almost causes physical pain to think about writing it down on paper. The fear I have is that my Annabelle will be forgotten. She was my baby, my child, and I still think about her every day. Why do I feel like I have to apologize for remembering her? I think I worry that sharing my remembrance of her will trigger other people’s memory of their own Moment. And actually we fight that so much, but it can be beautiful.

This may come off as hard to understand, but I embrace my Annabelle Joy moment now. Of course, I get sad. But losing her has made me see life in a total different way. It’s like I had heart surgery, because my heart hurts for people in this deep and intimate way. I know could have never understood other’s pain like I do now. Sometimes, it’s a burden that I get angry about. I don’t want it. I want to just be normal. Sometimes I have those days where I desperately want my Pre-Annabelle Joy moment to be suspended in time. My “Moment” where I first held her and willed her to take a breath. I would do anything to recreate my Pre-Annabelle Joy Moment.

But this is my life’s Moment willed to me. I don’t put blame. I embrace it and wrap my life around the beauty I can find in it. I loved Annabelle with my entire heart. What she held in my life will never, ever be erased. Holding her for 4 days was like a lifetime of holding another child. I cherished that time with her. It is engraved deep in my soul, and today I will finally embrace a chance at a forever memory of her.

I have assurance I will see Annabelle again. I am blessed. Having her as my Moment changed my entire life. It has made me choose joy over and over again. I waited 12 years to be brave after her, until one day I woke up and said “Becky, do you truly choose Joy?” And I knew the answer, I wasn’t choosing joy because I chose fear. I chose this dark, all consuming fear, over beautiful, amazing Joy.

How freeing it is to write these words. My overwhelming desire is to have this resonate with someone else’s hurting heart. Don’t be afraid to make yourself part of someone else’s Moment. I am thankful every day for my Annabelle Joy. This baby changed my heart forever. Happy 12th birthday my sweet baby, I thank you for teaching my heart to choose Joy.

I blogged yesterday and I’m not sure what the rule is? Do I wait for a couple days? But I have something to share and in a couple days maybe I won’t be as brave as I am now to share. It’s fresh, painful, and beautiful at the same time.

I had this moment tonight where a shortcoming I have within myself was revealed. It wasn’t found by someone else instead it surfaced and stood there before me, waiting on my acceptance. And ugh!, why is it so hard to look at our imperfections? Those things we hope stay hidden but sometimes cause too big of a burden, like a resting volcano, barely bubbling but you know it’s there.

Why as humans can we not embrace imperfections as stepping stones to growth? Wow, now I love that thought. I compare this thought to a magnificent cottage garden. These little imperfect stones may be crumbling and even ugly. But they lead you to this beautiful growing garden. That’s what our imperfections can do. They can make us strive to be a better human and love people more deeply.

The thing is, and oh, how hard this is to reveal. Sometimes, the vary act of hiding our imperfections will destroy what we love the most. And it’s not money, or material things, but it’s relationships. I want to be transparent in writing this blog.

I struggle with always putting on this persona of being strong when really there are a lot of times, I am not. But I feel ashamed and my past has made me hide things from people that I should have received help for. Today, I needed this person in my life to be strong for me. Instead I hid away and convinced myself that I didn’t need anyone. But I do, and again there is my shortfall standing at attention waiting to rear its ugly head.

For me to say out loud “I need someone”…yes, I need other humans. It’s hard. But we all do. I’m not perfect, I get lonely, I get sad. Sometimes, I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be happy. I just want to say to someone who won’t judge me, “I can’t do this alone” .

Tonight I was honest with my loved one. I admitted that I was lonely and that today I felt sad. I had pulled away because sometimes that’s easier than being honest. I was frustrated with them for not reaching out and they didn’t even know I needed them to reach out. How many relationships could be saved or not even just saved, But be totally amazing if we could be this honest?

Again, part of this journey with myself is discovering the real joy, real love, and the real me along with any imperfections. Sometimes they will be used as stepping stones