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Having Joy in the Honesty of being Overwhelmed

awomanwhochosejoy

Sometimes, there are these moments I’m afraid to share. I hesitated in even blogging about this experience I had this week, but again, I want to be real. I posted this picture of me with my 10 year old because he is honest and good and I want to be like this, not only in blogging but also, life. He hasn’t been jaded by world views or does he really care, if he’s socially correct. When he is sad he tells me, when he has joy he expresses it fully. I think we lose some of this honesty in our adulthood.

I went to this business meeting and dinner with my close friend this week. I love going to this particular meeting mostly because of a couple almost in their 90s who also attend. It brings me great joy to see them interacting with each other. The evening was wonderful and I headed out to my car. I got in my car and this overwhelming force hit me. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was dark and menacing and he squeezed my heart and settled in for the drive home.

Overwhelming wanted to remind me that I had failed and continued to fail in many areas of my life. He mentioned that everything I had planned for my life was ruined and I was just going through the motions of living. I tried to make him go away and turned on some music. But he persisted. He hit my jugular by bringing up people that I deeply cared about that have chosen to not be part of my life. That’s when I just let overwhelming stay. I acknowledged the truth that yes, my decisions in the past couple of years have made people reject me, good people, people I deeply love.

I didn’t want to tell my friend that overwhelming had settled in. Our evening had been great and I didn’t want to ruin it. I always try to be brave, for so long I was weak and scared. I wanted to be fake and say goodbye, and put on my brave, happy face. Overwhelming eagerly waited for me to brush my friend off so he could continue his conversation with me. But when my friend gave me a hug, overwhelming fought so hard but started leaving in the form of tears. My brave act “I got this” dissipated.

I didn’t speak, and tears fell hot down my face, I couldn’t stop them. We stood there. I was mad at myself because I thought I was so strong, I had fought overwhelming before and yet, somehow he snuck back in. I got no judgement from my friend and that’s what love is all about. I finally admitted my fears about my future, my kids, being alone, my house, my failures, my flashbacks of abuse, everything. And overwhelming, he was gone.

It took me being real to someone to make overwhelming leave even if it meant tears. I had to take that first step to someone who had made themselves available to help me. And it made me realize, my friend was there the entire time. I didn’t have to deal with overwhelming by myself , but I had chosen this. I look at myself and try to decipher why we can’t just be honest with other humans? I don’t want to be scared to share with someone when I do feel overwhelmed, we can still be strong even if we do have those temporary moments of feeling overwhelmed. Also, I know I can’t push people away, I need to admit” I need you” to the people who I know love me. I’m thankful for my friends and family who embrace me during my journey. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is just be honest with others, that we are overwhelmed and that we need them, then joy will come.

Finding Joy in the Risk

awomanwhochosejoy

At the end of this week I find myself asking continually asking this question. Will the pain of regret outweigh the pain of risk? But risk sometimes, he’s hard to decipher. Risk doesn’t want to scare us but he takes us down this road less traveled. And I find myself wanting to take that road that risk beacons me on. But safety with her soft voice of reason, she arrives so very subtly. She undermines risk and with most of us she wins. We are lulled to sleep and risk is but a distant memory. Risk wants to capture your passion and give you a reason to embrace a dream you know is still there despite safety’s enveloping embrace. That’s where I stand at this moment in time.

I think the hardest thing about risk is often it’s not the popular choice. What people don’t understand about you, they judge. But this week I had this woman who is in this strong position, tell me she admired me. She was fascinated with the decisions I am making as a single mom. Her words were like this soothing balm to my soul. And I realize in my journey with risk, I also need mentors to come along and sprinkle my road-less-traveled with encouragement. But for me this has been hard at times, being real about my journey is not what people want to hear. Some of my choices have made people uncomfortable, and I think as humans we don’t want to be disliked. I realized this week that I don’t always make others comfortable with what they consider is my appropriate level of risk.

So, I choose risk. Regret creates much bigger pain for me. And honestly, I’ve already lived long enough with regret. He creates pain and heartache. He doesn’t care at all about my dreams. I want to lose regret’s hold over my heart. I can’t bring back time. I can’t make people love this person they think I should be. I want the people in my life to love me for the real me.

And me choosing risk isn’t about being selfish. I hope I can help others. I am just one small person in this big, amazing world . Maybe in my risk others will also be prompted to follow their passion. And it’s my journey, I have to accept that people who only love me because I choose safety over risk, I have to let them go. Because no one else will embrace my regret for me after I let risk pass me by. I guess risk can be a lonely, scary companion at times, but fear of regret, it scares me even more.