Author: awomanwhochosejoy

Can I say how much I adore the above image? I think letting go can often be seen as a negative act, where we consciously think giving up, is synonymous with letting go. But this quote purposes that the very act of letting go, actually gives back to us, amazing things like joy, calm, and purpose. We can choose to let go of those negative things in our life that steals room from the beautiful things we desire.

I wanted to share my struggle with “Letting Go.” He had such a hold on my heart. I felt like he continually reminded me of how he would make sure my life would be destroyed if I chose to let go. And “letting go” is powerful, he brings with him whispers of how you will loose everything and be out of your comfort zone, and it will be much worse than even holding on to him. And in this peculiar way as humans, we hold so tightly to things we should let go of, even as joy passes right by us, totally within our grasp.

As I sit here on this chilly, late fall day, I realize this moment where “Letting Go” held my heart in hostage, and I can see it so clearly now.

I wanted to be this strong woman, someone who didn’t need anyone. And I was not ready to “let that go”. When you live in an abusive relationship it does something to your ability to let go. I’m not talking about being able to forgive or such things as that. That’s not a struggle for me. No, instead It was more of this attitude that no one would ever hurt me again, nor I would never depend on anyone for anything, ever again. I could not let this go. It was too scary for me, and I actually had too many painful memories of what had happened, when I let my guard down.

In August, I was preparing to try to find a place for the kids and I, for our move anticipated later in the fall. I spent many hours calling apartments and talking to people and trying to network to find temporary housing.  Then unexpectedly, we were forced to move 45 days early. All of my defenses dropped, “Let Go” was pushed on the back burner. I had 10 hours to pack up my kids and I,  and also, find a place to live that same day.  Then my hero, Michael came and told me he was here for me.  He offered me one of the townhouses he owns, for the kids and I to live in. This was hard for me, I held on to “Let Go”, so strongly. If I let this human help me, I would appear  weak. I felt I was letting myself be vulnerable.

I had no spare time that day. I had no time to prepare my heart for leaving a home where  I had raised my babies  for 21 years. I can’t explain how overwhelming that day was for me.  Michael, my parents, and  family, all surrounded me with their support and I’ll never forget how much love I felt that day.  But I had this moment where I felt like I was drowning. At one point it felt like a dream.  I could see all the boxes being loaded and my personal belongings whisked away to waiting vehicles.   I knew I needed this moment to steal away.  I snuck  out the back door and made my way to this spot where I spent many hours thinking about life. And then, I  cried this long, hard “Let GO” cry, and made peace with how far I had come.  No one knew, but that day I asked myself this hard question. Are you going to “Let Go” of the fears and past hurts and choose joy, or are you going to just stay in this safe, but  stagnant place?

I choose joy that day. I accepted Michael’s generous offer and my love grew so much for this unassuming, loving, humble man. He patiently waited for me to totally trust him and “Let Go” of things that would help make room for joy. And that would ultimately open up my heart to love again.

The kids and I have a safe, happy place to stay while my home is being built. But more importantly,  I have truly learned the joy of being able to let go of things  holding me back. It’s amazing how much joy I have  living  in this apartment. And as I look to a future with Michael  and all I hope to accomplish, I am thankful for the things I let go of,  to make room for this amazing man.  It is so very true, “Let Go, and see what stays!” And those are the things, I promise,  will bring you such joy .

It was this amazing, Fall day. The kind of day that holds this anticipation of an impending, new season. I was taking my walk on this crisp, sunny Ohio morning, contemplating life, going thru the mental list of things to do with my house and suddenly I took pause. This clear, big, beautiful, azure sky, with bright sun light leaping across the expanse, could only be described as somewhere between cyan and blue. It was breathtaking and I pondered this amazing sky as I walked around this corner.

And then I was taken back, as if i was in slow motion for a moment. There was this beautiful, bright yellow tree with the sun streaming thru every leaf, making them even brighter yellow and the entire tree exploded with color. He stood their proudly, in the mist of all the trees, who were still very much green. I was so stunned, I stood there, under Yellow tree and just basked in the sun light filtering through his bright yellow leaves. I didn’t want to leave, I just felt joy filling my entire body. I stood there silently, wanting to embrace this moment of joy, to have this memory tucked away, when winter’s bleakness settled in.

I had this thought: Yellow tree didn’t really care about the timing of showing off his colors. He was shining because he felt like it was the time he needed to shine. This is hard as mere humans, because we are all shaped to kind of “go with the crowd”. Most people put teenagers in this category, but even as adults, we fall into the comparison trap. We want to meet someone’s else’s expectations and not always be ourselves . We are afraid if we show our true colors while everyone around us is adamant in saying, “no, remain green”, we will lose friendships, status, and popularity. Sometimes , it’s not about fitting in, it’s about being true to yourself and also, bringing joy to others, even if they see you different than them. I question why this is so hard?

We all want to belong, we all want to be accepted. We all want to shine at the same time everybody else is shining, but it really doesn’t make sense? Beautiful Yellow tree brought me great joy because he chose to not simply blend in with the other trees. Instead he chose to shine in his own way and own timing. And that in turn created joy.

I think sometimes being like Yellow tree when everyone else stays green, is a beautiful and painful lesson. I have had moments where I tried to be strong enough to be like Yellow tree in the last couple years of my life, and it has not always been easy. But staying green to make everyone else happy was also destroying my joy.

It’s not easy to set yourself apart, but maybe joy will be found like you’ve never dreamed by setting those fears aside. And one lesson I have learned from this last year of blogging is true: what Yellow tree did was simplistic but yet at times possibly terrifying to choose to go against the flow of the mundane. But I have learned you can simply bring joy to others and yourself, by letting yourself shine, in your own way, your chosen time, despite other’s expectations.

This fall morning was a crisp, cool morning, the sun shone brightly, casting shadows thru the trees and on the path I walked. I took a deep breath. I love the smell of fall.

I found myself so happy being able to spend some time outside and able to enjoy this early morning walk before my busy day began.

As I walked, I started longing for the colors of fall. It had been a very warm fall with lots of rain. The trees looked like they were in early spring and not fall.

Out of no where, discontentment came running along side me, whispering how actually, the morning could be a lot better. Discontentment continued about the leaves should be colorful not just green. And he had this knack for spilling out his poison onto other areas of my life too. Why was my house not done? Why did I have 3 meetings already scheduled for the day and would be have to be inside most of the day? On and on, he stayed by my side, hoping to completely side track me.

But then I had this moment, everything was quiet. I turned onto this street with stately trees gently blowing in the wind. I stood there just listening. The sky was so blue and the trees were so green against the sky. I looked up and took a deep breath. I was so thankful to experience this moment of the smell of fall with the beautiful trees still lush against the sky. How blessed I was, soon it would be winter and the trees would be barren.

I held this moment in my heart. Despair was gone, as a vapor, he knew he had no place beside my joy. We can Choose joy in the unexpected, in those moments where beautiful things can be as simple as the leaves on the trees. For I have found that sometimes the very thing that we have discontentment about, can ultimately bring us joy.