Author: awomanwhochosejoy

It was this moment, the cold rain was hitting my face. But I wasn’t really sure, maybe there were also tears, joining the relentless rain? I could no longer tell. Fear took her chance and came fiercely, bringing a kaleidoscope of emotions with her. I couldn’t move. Gas splashed down onto my shoe and over my fingertips. The tears then surpassed the raindrops. Fear took root, greedy for control and she lifted her chin in defiance, relishing her control over me.

One of my challenges for the day had been to put gas into my car, from a gas can. I was doing this to save money in gas, so I could then use those savings to help build my house. Why couldn’t I do this without failing? The gas can was too heavy and I was only succeeding in getting more gas on the ground and myself then inside of my car.

Fear gripped me and reminded me, every thing I was currently going thru seemed to be wrapped in failure. Because when Fear comes, she wants to take control of absolutely everything, not just your moment you are currently in. She started her line of questioning: “Why wasn’t my house completed, why hadn’t I heard from that certain friend for awhile, did I think I could really succeed in anything, after all, I was starting all over, did I really think I was a good mom if I couldn’t even succeed at putting gas in my car, maybe I would fail at everything and have nothing left!” I was numb, maybe Fear was right? Who did I think I was? And Fear grew, extinguishing all my joy. She took hold, and I gave up.

I went into my apartment with the smell of gas following me inside, and Fear came too. She sat down with me at my desk, as I opened an email concerning a problem I had been trying to resolve since June. Fear gripped me even harder. Fear stated her case of how this was just another example of why I was a failure.

Sometimes, I think, when I blog people will just stop reading if I’m too real. But I have to be honest, Fear stayed with me all night. She woke up with me, like smoke permeating my being. It’s these moments as humans, we all have choices. There was this part of me that wanted to just stay under the covers, I was weary of fighting Fear. She had made some good points. But in this moment between letting Fear continue to grip my morning or letting go, I made a decision, to go for a walk. The cool, fall morning hit me in the face as I opened my door and with it a small sliver of Joy slipped into place.

As I walked, I thought of the many fears I had overcome in the last 4 years. I did think of my past failures but also started thinking of things I had succeeded in. Fear was not happy and tried to bring me back. I called my fiancé and he reminded me, as he often does, that I am stronger than my failures. Fear started to be extinguished and the smoke started to clear. Fear fought hard, twirling in the smoke, lingering to keep her hold over me. But then, Joy came full force and Fear was dissipated.

I went back out in the rain again, and tried different gas caps until I had one that seemed to be easier to maneuver. And I accomplished my task. It’s hard to explain why this was so important to me, but sometimes small successes give us a huge jump start for our bigger goals. And I started thinking, maybe failures aren’t always that bad. Sometimes failures force us to look at ourselves for who we really are and make us realize how every human has struggles. Its not failures, but more Fear itself, that settles in amongst our failures, that is our downfall as humans.

When it comes down to it, Fear will smother every ounce of joy you have, unless you are brave enough to extinguish her. I know I will have failures along my journey but I also don’t want fear to stop me from accomplishing the things I’m passionate about because I let her rule my life.