Author: awomanwhochosejoy

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I have to be honest. I was blue this weekend for a time. I know, I know, JOY is my word this year. My 2018 word. But sometimes, it’s funny, how just a small thing will take us to somewhere our heart hurts. We don’t want to go, but yet, somehow we find ourselves struggling in this Black hole of sadness. I knew I didn’t want to dwell there and I chose not to stay there but I did visit. It was a dark place that tried to steal my joy.

And yes, as I said, I somehow landed in this dark abyss this weekend. I was so happy looking for land and planning my dreams for my kids and I. All of a sudden out of nowhere came this horrible, dark monster. Not a real monster but it still grasped my heart. And it had no mercy, it grew feeding on my sadness.

This monster whispered to my soul, your kids won’t have as much room to play in this new place. You are failing as a mom, or really is this the  best you can do? Somehow, every fear that I hid in my heart, all of a sudden turned my happiness into despair. This despair was the worst kind. It ran down my face in the form of tears. Even writing this I have a quick flashback of sitting in my car with my friend and looking out over this small plot of land. I felt I wasn’t enough to do any of this. You know what I mean? We, as humans often discount our “enough” abilities. It holds us back in its ugly claws and limits us.

But then I also had this memory, of my friend telling me, “Becky, your house you have is just a house. You, your person is what makes it a home.” And your kids will love you despite the house you are in.” (And I quote Jenn-thanks girl, you are wise🤗) I knew she was right. What an amazing thing! We can speak into someone’s life, even at times possibly flippantly, and it can change someone’s world during a hard time.

So, I started this journey with all of you …well, at least a handful who are reading my blog and I want to give an update. I have been pouring over houseplans and I’m leaning towards this little bright and cheery cape cod. I need some light in my life. I wanted to post a picture of the land I’m looking at. At this point nothing is set in stone. But for anyone who feels discouraged in the mountain of a task ahead of them, take courage my friend.

No one has ever succeeded without a taste of failure. I feel strong after this weekend, and I’m sure I will still have moments where the ugly despair monster grabs my heart. But for now, I continue this journey in making a different house my home. And I want to experience joy during this process. How blessed I am to have friends and family walking thru this with me. My goal for January is to buy land and I do agonize over the right decision, but I hope to keep the goal.

And this title, how it speaks to me so much! It grew roots from my friend’s words, but then expanded as it settled in my heart. Your shell can be beautiful, but your soul can still be dark and ugly. I want those who meet me to see my inside as this beautiful home they can relax in, take off their shoes, share laughter, and confide in. Because you know how it is sometimes with a beautiful house, it doesn’t always invite you? Sometimes, you just want to stand at the threshold of a perfect house and not mess anything up inside, you know, hold back, and stay on the surface? . But I want my home, my soul to invite you …”come in, please, have a cup of tea, with me ☕️ ” yes, that’s what I want, a beautiful home, a soul full of Grace.

Parcel of land I looked at 1/6/2018 and the place these words were born from.

How does it happen that this thing called guilt sneaks in and robs of us joy and opportunities? Why do we allow this thing that if it was tangible we would immediately bear arms and fight? I don’t know? I’m not good at fighting guilt. I love my children with this love that is longsuffering. I try to give them the world but still, this little voice speaks into me that I’m not giving them the universe.

While  speaking with a friend tonight about his kids and how he tries to do everything for them- I saw a glimpse of how my eyes must look when they are guilt- ridden.  I don’t like it. I want eyes full of joy. Who says everything has to be done perfectly for the people around you to be  happy?

I want to let go of guilt. I’m not the best mom in the world, but I’m the best mom for my kids. I might not be the best friend you can have but I will love you when you need me. My house might not be spotless but you know what? My nieces were over and I chose to make chicken noodles rather than clean. My kids and nieces enjoyed them on a cold winter’s night.  A clean house would have not created the same reaction as the steaming, yummy bowls of soup. “Guilt is a joy robber”-me.

Give yourself permission to let guilt go. Tomorrow is a new day, or rather today is a new day. I don’t know why I feel this burning desire to blog at 1:33am but that’s when it’s happening lol.  Tomorrow i coach those cute little 9 and 10 year olds , including my son, in basketball and I will chose to celebrate with them tomorrow.

It’s funny how people, strangers even will share things. Things that bring great joy to them or even hurt. Yesterday. I had this day where it seemed as if everyone I bumped into had such stories.

I want to share one of the stories. I took Benjamin to one of my heart places, Rising park. It’s the first time in years that the lake has frozen over. And what 10 year old boy doesn’t want to experience sliding across a lake that in the summer he skips rocks over?

So, after slipping and sliding on the frozen lake he then wanted to go sledding. As in most cases he immediately met another 10 year old dare devil friend who embraced the idea of stunts and flying down the snowy hill.

I laughed and enjoyed the shenanigans until soon I grew cold. A man was building a fire close by with wood the city had provided for local park visitors. I thought he was a park employee and thanked him for the fire.

He says to me “Oh no, I’m just a dad to the little boy who is playing with yours.” I said “oh, well they are having lots of fun!” And we both stood around the fire as the boy’s contagious laughter rang thru the crisp air. He tells me this story. The man started with looking up at the hill and saying “I love that boy with my whole life.” He said he had always wanted to be a dad but it never had worked out for him. He met this wonderful woman who already had a son. The boy’s dad had devastated him by walking out of the little boy’s life. He continued to tell me how he did all sorts of things with his stepsos. This past fall he planned a birthday party built the “world’s biggest slippery slide”😊 for him and his friends. At the end of the party his stepson ran up to him and gave him a hug. He said, “John, this was one of the best days of my life and all,,,,can I start calling you dad?” And at this point in his story, this grown, tough man, in a pair of coveralls, and old work boots, building a fire, wiped away tears. I did too!

This total stranger shared one of his greatest joys to me; And at the end I just hugged my son a little tighter, so thankful for my gift too.

It is 1:19am and I can’t sleep. It seems as if every problem or potential problem I have in my world runs thru my mind as I lay down. I always wonder how I can be this tired but my mind is still going fast? I resolve every problem in my head, trying out various scenarios. And not only that but I resolve problems that happened in the past using new ways to resolve them even though it’s too late, they have already manifested themselves in failure. And I have to let them go.

Today I posted I was looking for land and received some leads using a buy and sell trade site. It was my first time posting on something like that, so an interesting experience. Tomorrow, I go look at land with a dear friend and realtor who I have known for 21 years. It’s hard to believe I actually met at a yard sale when my son, joshua, was a baby! It’s funny how people come back into your life. I still get a little panicky wondering if me…this single woman has any business buying land and building a house? But I want to do this, it means something to me. Joy isn’t found in material things. I know that. “Dreams were meant to follow and there is joy in the journey” And you can quote me on that😊

I also did something I love tonight. I coached little kids basketball❤️. For so long I wanted to do this and I was told it was better suited for men to do. I second guess myself If I’m good enough to coach, it parents are happy with me, if the kids are learning all they should? But in the end it brings me great joy and I’m happy to be doing this.

So, today I’m pouring over house plans. So many unknowns in my future. But I do know I need to find a house for my 3 kids and I.  I really want to build but fears do creep in. Can I maneuver being a single mom, working, and schooling while building a house? But I’m going to replace fear with joy. I need to prove to myself I am strong enough to do this journey.