Author: awomanwhochosejoy

It was a beautiful, rare, high 60s day in Ohio’s February. The kind of day that makes you want to take a blanket with a good book and play hooky from life. It’s hard not to have happiness on a rare day like this. Everyone had shaken off the winter blues for a moment and even the air feels different.

And something I don’t know, kind of insignificant happened to me this particular, beautiful morning. Sometimes. I do this thing, I leave my coffee I’ve had great intentions of drinking, lonely, sitting in my microwave. This morning was one of those mornings. So, begrudgingly, I go thru the drive thru to get my coffee. I was a little irritated with myself and even more so with the line. As I approach the drivethru the employee has a big smile on her face and says, “your order has been paid for.” I was stunned.

This had never happened to me before. And I have to admit I felt this overwhelming “Joy Moment”. I know some may say “this is seriously not a big deal”. But I take a moment to disagree. A perfect stranger feels this compassion to bring joy to my life and he didn’t know one thing about me. He didn’t know if I was smart, or pretty, or rich or poor, or even worthy of him buying this coffee for me? And to me this is pure kindness. When we can show kindness to someone when they have receive nothing in return, it is much more than that cup of coffee. Kindness she shows up as this beautiful butterfly. She slowly unravels her wings and touches people’s hearts. Then joy is spread as she makes her way to continue to travel and touch all those she meets. She becomes contagious.

This man I will never meet gave me this perfect gift because it has went way beyond that particular moment of a free coffee. It gives me hope that In my sometimes inward, selfish focus that being kind is not always this huge endeavor. We can all spread kindness in small, simple acts. I want to be contagious in my kindness.

via Defeat has no Place as a Joy Robber

I yearn to write my  thoughts almost frantically sometimes,  down on paper.  Magically,  it seems to happen,  almost as if my fingers have a life of their own. Oh, how I have missed writing, 20 years of suppressing my thoughts to no one else,  but my journal.  But now with blogging, I have this amazing outlet to share with others. What wonderful healing, and a beautiful  gift to my soul, this blog has been, I had a flashback this weekend to when my journals were taken from me, I frantically searched for months, but they were gone.  My most inner thoughts, dreams, and fears, removed, I thought destroyed. I grieved as if a long lost friend had been taken from me, for so long my journal was  the only one I  confided in, I counted as my secret confidant.  But I am slowly realizing that the heart break of having  my  physical journals taken that were written in pen and ink will not destroy the journal entries still  in my heart and mind.   Moments rise up from somewhere deep in me, and I can still write, I can still create, its not too late.

If I’m honest,  the daunting Monday morning sometimes appears to quickly. I had a beautiful weekend celebrating my lovely daughter’s 16th birthday.  How fun it was to hear laughter ring out thru-out my home with 12 of my daughter’s friends helping her celebrate. On Saturday I spent the morning coaching these 10-11 yr old kids in basketball, and my heart totally embraces the joy of that.  I have so many things to have joy over even with so many uncertainties that I face right now. But sometimes small,  but seemingly insignificant moments will sneak into  our heart  and be  joy robbers.

This morning was good, just doing normal mom stuff, and writing bills, and phone calls like we all do. I went up to finally take a moment to put my contacts in. In a blink of an eye, I dropped my contact. It was only 1 day old and I frantically looked for it. It was if it disappeared in thin air.  I got a flashlight and made a  trail to my bedroom and then back to my bathroom, looking for over 45 minutes. . I finally lay on the floor, of my bathroom, with the thought that  being at eye-level would help. Then she made her appearance. “Despair.” She asked to join me on the floor? I hesitated because at first I  didn’t recognize her. She seemed to actually be compassion? It is so hard to discern sometimes. But then I thought,”why not?”  At  this point I stopped looking for the contact and looked around, despair making her move and feeding into my thoughts.  If I would have been paying more attention I would have not dropped my contact? If my bathroom floor was spotless, I could have immediately found the contact?  Why did it seem as if I took one step forward, and two steps back?  Despair was so happy to agree with me, she whispered readily that all I was saying was true.  She then took a bold step and asked why I was even trying because losing the contact was just the beginning of my failures for the day, for the month, for the year.  Suddenly, this moment that started out so small and insignificant was pulling me into despair’s claws and had me paralyzed on my bathroom floor. I found myself   in a decision moment.

Immediately, I pulled myself up off of the floor  and turned my back to despair. Despair, worried that I no longer needed her “assistance” called to me.  I looked into the mirror and told myself that despair had no place in my day today and a lost contact is not that big of a deal. I smiled thinking of my day, of friends, of family who love me, then something happened!  I had looked for over an hour for my contact absolutely everywhere and there it was hidden, on top of my ornate faucet, resting in the formation of the swirls. I laughed!  Despair threw her hands in defeat and stomped off.

I had this thought,  sometimes facing despair without having first hand knowledge that everything is going to be ok, it can be  a good thing. What we fight so hard against  is sometimes what is making us beautiful humans  as we are going thru it.  I have to admit,  it’s not as easy as it seems and of course we don’t easily accept this.  To be honest this is was of those few times I have cried tears while blogging. I didn’t want to go thru what I’ve been thru, I wanted to live this perfect life.  I wanted my kids to have this life where I could protect them and they would never experience any hurt. I wanted perfection and others too look at me and say, “wow, she has a perfect life.”  I didn’t want to spend hours of my life crying over things that would never change and feeling helpless in that. I didn’t want to fail.  So many times I did let despair win and I’m not proud of that. But I hope that I can be that person that has gained this inner beauty as a result of  battling defeat. I hope I can ultimately help others see that defeat does not have to be your joy robber.

via Have Joy, Wear the Lipstick 💄

It came full force this a.m., hitting me like an invisible force, a life of his own and breathing negativity into my face. It was hurt. He came in swirling around me and planned on settling in for the day.

I had this flashback from a couple years ago. I was knee deep in 5 kids, including nursing a baby, which in its own right can be a full time job. I had not been out of my house much and was feeling blue. My kids had an opportunity to go skating and I jumped at the chance to go see some humans that I wasn’t nursing, changing diapers for, or calling me mama. 😂.

I was getting ready to run out the door because with 5 kids it always takes longer than you think, and inevitably there is one child who decides shoes are optional. I glance at myself in the mirror and decide to throw some lipstick on. Not just your everyday, mundane lipstick….no, it was this incredible shade of red that made me feel like deep inside, there was still a woman.

So, we get there and I’m helping put skates on 5 kids and have this moment where I can finally talk to some humans at my own eye level. My first encounter was with this lady, she looks at me and says, in this demeaning way….”why are you wearing lipstick in the middle of the day?” Immediately! Hurt, he came, full force. The other ladies standing around hold their breath, I stand there contemplating my reply. Hurt settles in quickly, rubbing his hands together, delighted to add insults to the mix. Words race around my head. I say. “I wear it because it makes me feel good.” Hurt is outraged and continues whispering very different, spiteful words in my ear. I ignore him, smile, and continue polite conversation.

To have that memory come back this morning surprised me? That lady didn’t wear lipstick and that was her choice. But that one moment changed me. I decided I would wear the lipstick and have joy in that small action. Wearing lipstick won’t change the world, but for me it makes me happy.

Hurt, he can shape our world if we let him. I could have left that day and vowed to never wear lipstick again. But I chose to be kind and realize that the things I say can hurt people. Other people’s differences are not for me to judge. I’m not perfect though, I’ve also had to learn this lesson many times when I’ve hurt others.

I look back at that day and now I wear the lipstick, I wear the perfume to the grocery store, I don’t save my “good” shoes. I never want to look back on my life and see that I gave up the red lipstick because of hurt. I think so many people give up “wearing the lipstick” and instead let the hurt settle in their heart for the duration. Everyday I want to Choose joy and wear the lipstick.