Author: awomanwhochosejoy

Sleep will not come to me tonight. A loved one shared this with me earlier this evening and it brought back this moment. A moment where I felt such despair and sadness, just as this sculpture depicts. The hole in this sculpture, it’s a huge void, it is the focal point of pure sadness. It is a big, gaping, hole of despair, where a beautiful heart once lived. What strikes deep emotion for me is there is not a broken heart, it is a huge, sad void.

I can’t tell this person who shared this with me, just “get over it” , I can’t feel all the pain they are feeling, but I can still love them and not dismiss their sadness. And one thing I can do is remember. I can remember this moment, where I sat in the church, not at my daughter’s baby dedication, but instead, at her funeral. I looked at her little casket and vowed I would keep this gaping hole of sadness forever, and protect my heart, so it would never feel again. Much like this sculpture, I wanted to keep my head down, and not look for any opportunity for joy or happiness.

I look at this sculpture and replace it with me. I can’t lie, this made me cry. The defeated shoulders, the huge gaping hole, and the head down. This was my own head cast down and focusing on my sadness. And then I remember. I remember how one day not too long after I lost Annabelle, I took a meal to this family that had lost a baby. I didn’t even know them. And something happened. This gaping hole, it became smaller. It wasn’t magic, but I had this small moment, where I felt such love and empathy for these other humans. It was this connection to someone else’s heart that had went thru the same pain as me. And the hole of despair and sadness was no match for the healing that started.

So, can I relate to every person whose sadness destroys the heart and leaves this gaping hole? The answer is no. But I have purposed, to remember my pain, to use that remembrance to purpose to share joy with others. I desire to lift my head up from looking at my own gaping hole of sadness. It seems so simple but sometimes the hard thing, is simply….lifting my head up. Sometimes, I have felt too weary. Sometimes, yes, I have even felt too angry for the burden cast on me.

I am not this super human. I’m just me, a normal person with pain, hurts, sadness, and Joy. And I have no special antidote for Joy. All I can tell you is there are times when lifting your head up to other’s pain can somehow fill this gaping hole of despair and sadness in your own life. I have been more real with people about my pain, in just the last 3 years, than I have in my entire life. I looked up. I took my eyes off of my own gaping hole of sadness and filled it with joy helping others, until my heart found its place once again. Do I still cry for Annabelle? Well, sure. Do I cry for my fairytale, I once dreamed of that ended way differently than any “happily ever after” storybook ending? Of course. But still, my head, I lift it up, and look for those joy moments that spread and fill my gaping hole of sadness.

I am thankful for my friend sharing this sculpture with me so I could see it as a painful representation of him and his sadness. It gives me new purpose to not only encourage him but to help others fill their gaping hole of sadness with joy. I can look for these people. People need me, and people need you, too. Be the one that fills the hole, not make it bigger.

And this following quote is perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.

via Embrace the Joy in your now moments -Eat the Snow ❄️

I’m in this place, right now. It’s a beautiful place. If you would have asked me 3 years ago in the depths of my turmoil, pain, and sadness, the question: Would I find joy again? I would have probably answered with a resounding, “NO!” I was so deep in the throes of my situation, I couldn’t find a glimmer of hope or joy. I felt as if I were drowning.

In the midst of my darkness, I could see these small parts of myself still trying to believe. I wanted to believe that I was worth more. I wanted to believe that I didn’t deserve behavior against me that was destroying me, one layer at a time, until I was just a shell. I couldn’t make out the person I knew I could be, or even that I once was, but Joy wouldn’t let me go. Joy came to me so delicately. I barely knew she was there. Joy was like this vibrant butterfly, so beautiful, so graceful, and she settled down on my heart. And she whispered to me that my soul was beautiful, and to hold on and not give up. She fluttered around, not wanting to leave me, willing despair to not grip my heart.

Joy came in the form of a message, one night as I sat in a dark, empty parking lot. I was taking in account of my situation, feeling my soul had emptied itself out. I felt no joy, I felt extremely lonely, and I was afraid. Afraid that I would live out the rest of my life, with nothing but a shell of a an empty soul. I struggled with thinking I would have no joy, no love, and no happiness.

All of a sudden, this message came across my phone. It was this girl I had been a youth leader for when she was in highschool. Highschool days were over and now, she was in college. She went on to tell me about a memory she had about a night I shared with them during their small group time. This particular night I sat with this group of young teenagers and told them things were never so bad that their lives were worth nothing. This girl told me during that time, she was going through a really rough time and had been contemplating suicide. But that night during youth group I changed everything for her. She remembered my words and decided to not only choose life but also, joy.

How humbling that is. How easy we can share a moment of joy with someone that could be a life changer for them. It has taught me to embrace my joy moments, but then,  to let go and share my joy moments with others . I’ve had joy even among my despair. Joy is a wonderful thing. She builds us up and pulls us thru the other side of pain.

Joy is contagious! She can gracefully move into deep, black darkness and light it up. Whne there is that deep, darkness that penetrates your heart,  Joy comes fluttering down. She starts out as this small whisper in your soul but ends in a full blown song. It’s not a song you tuck away and never remember. No, Joy is one of those “roll down your window on a summer day and sing your heart out song.” That’s what I want in my life and to have it overspill into other people’s lives. Joy was never meant to be captured  like a butterfly and never let her go. She was meant to embrace and then, let her free to envelop the people around you. So yes, embrace your joy with all of your heart but then let her go, let your joy also embrace others.