Author: awomanwhochosejoy

Wow, I’m so blown away by this “deep down in my soul” realization of this idea of focusing more on “Now Happiness”. I’ve told myself on this cloudy, dreary day, “you need to take a step back and decide what you define as happiness.” So, I’ve taken some time for reflection. I’ve had these moments the last couple days, really out of my control, that I’ve let situations and other people dictate my level of Happiness. My friend sent me this song and the lyrics have made me rethink my idea of doing the whole “pursuit of happiness, to focusing on “Now Happiness”.

This is a great song. These particular lyrics really impacted me.

I realized, In the midst of my attempt of my full onslaught of pursuing happiness, that I have missed some of my “Now Happiness”. It’s so easy to do. But “Now Happiness” is so beautiful. She will not come as this grandiose event, but rather, very subtle. It can be as an amazing sunset, hearing your friend laugh, a perfectly formed flower, having someone tell you they are thinking about you. She comes so often, in so many ways, but we miss her. “Now happiness” is so discounted and dismissed by us.

“Now happiness” wants to get us thru the day and beacons us to take time to see her presence. But we don’t, we are busy, we want grander things. “Now Happiness isn’t Facebook or Twitter worthy. It’s so easy instead, to think: my next relationship, my next purchase, my next home, or whatever the “Next” will bring overrides “Now Happiness”.

It’s hard to not hand over your level of “Now Happiness” to other people or situations. But it’s not how she comes. She lets you decide to embrace the “Now Happiness” moments independent of others. I am a people person, I am very relational, this is a hard concept for me to embrace. But I want to grow, and become this person I have held back for so long. I was the person talked about in this song that did hide, and didn’t think she had a right to happiness. I don’t ever want to go back there.

I am purposed to embrace my “Now Happiness”. I don’t control others happiness, but I do want to contribute to others “Now Happiness” . This is really life changing for me….contributing or controlling are two very different things in talking about happiness. Contributing brings Joy, but Controlling eventually brings sadness and heartache. Just be happy, keep your eye on your goals, but embrace your “Now Happiness.” And I love this quote so much! I want this is my new home someday!

via Sometimes Joy and Sorrow Intertwine, And This Beautiful Forest Emerges

This morning my dear friend posted something painfully true. Sometimes, we can not see the forest despite the trees. In her post she was talking about having gratitude, but it immediately struck a different chord in my heart. I think despite the many complicated trees of heartaches, sorrows, sickness, good times, happiness, joy, and relationships, they all ultimately intertwine in this forest to make-up our entire life. Not just one tree can make up a forest, it would be barren and lacking. No, it’s has many trees, some tall and stately, some small and struggling . We can stand back and see all those trees intertwine that create this beautiful forest of life.

I am preparing to go to a funeral for a little boy today. This is mixed with a hospital visit I wxperienced into the early morning hours because my son was having some health issues. I am feeling great sorrow this morning. But then there is joy too? I am amazed how that happens?  How is it that in the midst of tragedy we can be reminded of the joys that are present in our lives.?

To be honest, I have this moment of guilt. This moment where I feel bad knowing what this family is going to go thru laying a child to rest, but then I realize having joy does not hinder my grieving. It’s been 12 years since I too, had a morning where I was laying to rest my daughter. I won’t lie, it was hard, I was angry, I wanted to rewind my life at that point. But there is this beautiful thing, 12 years later despite my sorry, I can have joy in the privilege of being Annabelle’s mama for the short time I had her here on earth.

I sit on my front porch lingering over coffee and remember that spring after her death, how the daffodils bloomed and it brought me one of my first joys, I allowed myself after losing her.  I look at my life now. This very small tree of joy those many years ago, seemed to be struggling in the shadow of the large trees of grief. And maybe it was. I fought for Joy’s growth. It’s has taken time. But that’s the beautiful thing too. A forest of small spindly trees does not make one stop and take notice. It’s the trees that grow into this mature forest and have stood the tests of time , well  contributes to others and gives other’s hope. Our experiences can help others grow past their heartaches and grief.

It’s taken me time to not just focus on one tree. Some days I couldn’t really see my forest, or what my life totally consisted of. At times only one tree, which was sometimes the sorrow tree, was the only tree I could see. But I have found Life is so beautiful. I feel so blessed that I can see that many trees make up my forest. And the tree of Joy can grow right along that sorrow tree, they help shape our life, they grow our forest.

via When the Darkness Strangles Your Joy

I gave this promise. It was this real promise on January 1, 2018, almost exactly 5 months ago, that i would always be real in writing my blog. And tonight to be honest, I am struggling. I’m trying to not succumb to the darkness.

In this last week, i have had a family, whom I have known for many years, have their child diagnosed with aggressive cancer. I have known this kind-hearted young man since he was a young child. My heart is heavy for them, My heart is breaking for what he will go thru with the chemo starting this week. I’ve also had family unexpectedly lose their youngest child to a devastating accident. The funeral for this young child is this week. And then, I’ve had some personal heartbreaks. I feel as if I’ve had this death of a personal dream, It was what I gave my life’s work to. It’s all I’ve known. It’s over now. The life I always thought I would have, it is finished. And now there is this darkness that tempts me to come into him and I won’t feel.

This darkness is tempting because it does not allow pain, but it also, doesn’t allow joy. It draws me in, but I don’t want to be there. It is compounded by true devastating situations I am seeing others go thru. But it’s also, my own personal heart matters. And this is tough, I don’t want to be here. I don’t feel as if I’m meant to dwell in the darkness. I know logically being in the darkness, is not a good thing, -But I’ve found, darkness sometimes destroys logic. The darkness only wishes to draw me in and keep me there, Darkness does not care about joy, when it’s all said and done. The selfishness of darkness wraps tightly around the heart and strangles all hints of joy. But the struggle is the safety that darkness tempts us with. Hurt is also masked in the darkness because you don’t feel. But not feeling is also, not experiencing joy.

This one thought, one desire, draws me out of the darkness. Joy can’t live in the darkness. I’ve waited so long to embrace joy. This is not just for selfish reasons, I want joy. I want this chance to try to help penetrate the darkness of other’s pain. It is this hope of joy that makes it enough for me to not settle into the safety of darkness.

So, tonight, for these moments, I have struggled with the darkness. But joy, she ultimately wins. She surrounds my heart and chases the darkness. And I know, It is possible, I really do desire joy. I desire to release the darkness that wants to strangle my joy. My heart is still heavy for those loved ones and all they are going thru. But, tonight despite all that is happening, I chose joy.