I Would Tell My Younger Self…Choose Joy.

Random boxes are precariously stacked around me, as I sit knee deep in things to sort from my recent move. The wayward boxes hold old shoes, mittens, and a smattering of seemingly insignificant things, previously tossed aside. You know those boxes we all have lurking in our attics and basements taunting us that they are there to stay. And I really don’t know why I chose this afternoon to tackle this project? But here I am, embracing this task, with Christmas right around the corner. But deep inside a box, to my surprise, I find one of my journals, that had previously been taken away from me. I had luckily recovered it before I moved. I set it aside, thinking I will take a look once my task is completed.

Later in the afternoon, I look at my own words, written as a young mom. They look written seemingly frantic, as if I was hurrying to pen my thoughts. I felt often, that I wasn’t enough. I felt guilt for taking time to take do such things as a quick walk, I read the pages where I had sadness, that while tucking my kids to bed at night, I inwardly scolded myself that I had spent too much time cooking and cleaning. I had a 15 month old and a newborn and at one point decided to get up at 4:30am every morning to be able to accomplish everything I felt I was failing in. But still….it wasn’t enough. And I realize what I would tell my younger self: Choose joy in the very moment you are in, even if you feel inadequate.

Maybe I wasn’t that perfect mom. I did try to be a good time manager with my babies, but maybe laundry sat untouched on the couch for many days. But when it’s all said and done, I did what was important. I loved my babies with every fiber of my being. I really did. And again, I would tell my younger self, “good job for taking that time to rock your baby,” even if I couldn’t do both babies at once and felt so torn.

Maybe for you. it isn’t motherhood? Maybe you feel like you aren’t the best wife, or a good enough friend, or a truly loved sister, or a daughter that measures up? I don’t know, maybe you are a husband who feels like he’s inadequate, or a son who feels like he’s disappointed his parents? I don’t know what your joy robber might be? Maybe you simply feel you fail as a human. But you don’t. We all have equal amount moments of the day. We all have equal opportunities if we take them to be kind. Seize your moment, this very moment to choose the joy. I do wish I could go back and tell that simple statement to my younger self. But for now I embrace those moments I do have: lovely memories, difficult memories, and sometimes even painful memories all intertwined to produce this phenomenon called life.