My coffee greets me like an old friend, on this chilly, Spring, morning. Despite the frigid temps, the sunlight is happily dancing into my living room. He invites me to enjoy his radiance, after the gloominess of Winter. I sit among my 1/2 packed townhouse willing myself to be more productive.
I have not written for awhile, with the furious tornado of a life, it has been. I’ve been trying to do the finishing touches on my house, coaching Basketball, kid’s schedules,…But I had a thought come with such force this A.M. I had to share it with you.
Wonder if choosing joy isn’t possible? I wonder if all I have been sharing about joy is something totally unattainable? Just this morning alone, I had communication with someone going thru chemo, with 5 kids, someone who suffered loss from a suicide, and another person who lost all they financially owned. This caused me to take pause and see if I really believe, what I so passionately convey in my blog?
And the answer is, Yes! Yes, a million times! ☺️ So, since this “Choose Joy” blog is about my “take on life”, let me share this memory.
I was in the long hall outside the kid’s class of my church. I couldn’t move, I was filled with such sorrow, I felt paralyzed. It was the first time I had walked in the church, except for the funeral, without my sweet baby Annabelle in my arms. I had to walk past the nursery and all I felt was emptiness. I still remember this moment, my friend Lynette came out and found me there. I was standing there alive, but felt dead. She came and hugged me and said this, “Becky, you will find joy again.” I was furious, how dare her think I could ever find joy again? I said back to her, “I’ll never find Joy, ever.” And I held tightly onto that mindset, protecting my heart, and holding onto this needless guilt that I had no right to ever feel joy again.
Then something happened, I heard from a mutual friend, that this woman had lost her baby. I didn’t know her, but stopped by her house with dinner. She answered the door and the pain in her eyes, mirrored what pain I was going thru too. I felt such great compassion for her and we hugged like old friends with the sorrowful commonality enveloping us. It was years ago, but I still remember driving away and feeling myself coming back to life.
Choosing joy wasn’t easy. And it’s an every day journey. I remember the first time I felt joy after Annabelle’s death, I felt such guilt. She was dead and I could still feel something. I was so torn, did it mean I was forgetting her? But it didn’t. It just simply meant I was still alive and I was choosing joy. I survived a horrible divorce and the first time I had coffee with someone that treated me kind, it felt wrong to realize my heart was still beating. My marriage was dead and I struggled with feeling like I deserved to feel joy, because someone saw value in me? But again, the answer was YES! If you are alive, no amount of guilt has a right to keep your heart as a prisoner.
I hope this blog spurs anyone who has the stronghold of guilt that continually puts up a barrier for joy, to let it go. Choose joy, not only for yourself but for those who cross your path and need to see joy is possible too. Choosing Joy is Allowing yourself to Live.
A woman who chose joy 