I gave this promise. It was this real promise on January 1, 2018, almost exactly 5 months ago, that i would always be real in writing my blog. And tonight to be honest, I am struggling. I’m trying to not succumb to the darkness.
In this last week, i have had a family, whom I have known for many years, have their child diagnosed with aggressive cancer. I have known this kind-hearted young man since he was a young child. My heart is heavy for them, My heart is breaking for what he will go thru with the chemo starting this week. I’ve also had family unexpectedly lose their youngest child to a devastating accident. The funeral for this young child is this week. And then, I’ve had some personal heartbreaks. I feel as if I’ve had this death of a personal dream, It was what I gave my life’s work to. It’s all I’ve known. It’s over now. The life I always thought I would have, it is finished. And now there is this darkness that tempts me to come into him and I won’t feel.
This darkness is tempting because it does not allow pain, but it also, doesn’t allow joy. It draws me in, but I don’t want to be there. It is compounded by true devastating situations I am seeing others go thru. But it’s also, my own personal heart matters. And this is tough, I don’t want to be here. I don’t feel as if I’m meant to dwell in the darkness. I know logically being in the darkness, is not a good thing, -But I’ve found, darkness sometimes destroys logic. The darkness only wishes to draw me in and keep me there, Darkness does not care about joy, when it’s all said and done. The selfishness of darkness wraps tightly around the heart and strangles all hints of joy. But the struggle is the safety that darkness tempts us with. Hurt is also masked in the darkness because you don’t feel. But not feeling is also, not experiencing joy.
This one thought, one desire, draws me out of the darkness. Joy can’t live in the darkness. I’ve waited so long to embrace joy. This is not just for selfish reasons, I want joy. I want this chance to try to help penetrate the darkness of other’s pain. It is this hope of joy that makes it enough for me to not settle into the safety of darkness.
So, tonight, for these moments, I have struggled with the darkness. But joy, she ultimately wins. She surrounds my heart and chases the darkness. And I know, It is possible, I really do desire joy. I desire to release the darkness that wants to strangle my joy. My heart is still heavy for those loved ones and all they are going thru. But, tonight despite all that is happening, I chose joy.
A woman who chose joy 