I yearn to write my thoughts almost frantically sometimes, down on paper. Magically, it seems to happen, almost as if my fingers have a life of their own. Oh, how I have missed writing, 20 years of suppressing my thoughts to no one else, but my journal. But now with blogging, I have this amazing outlet to share with others. What wonderful healing, and a beautiful gift to my soul, this blog has been, I had a flashback this weekend to when my journals were taken from me, I frantically searched for months, but they were gone. My most inner thoughts, dreams, and fears, removed, I thought destroyed. I grieved as if a long lost friend had been taken from me, for so long my journal was the only one I confided in, I counted as my secret confidant. But I am slowly realizing that the heart break of having my physical journals taken that were written in pen and ink will not destroy the journal entries still in my heart and mind. Moments rise up from somewhere deep in me, and I can still write, I can still create, its not too late.
If I’m honest, the daunting Monday morning sometimes appears to quickly. I had a beautiful weekend celebrating my lovely daughter’s 16th birthday. How fun it was to hear laughter ring out thru-out my home with 12 of my daughter’s friends helping her celebrate. On Saturday I spent the morning coaching these 10-11 yr old kids in basketball, and my heart totally embraces the joy of that. I have so many things to have joy over even with so many uncertainties that I face right now. But sometimes small, but seemingly insignificant moments will sneak into our heart and be joy robbers.
This morning was good, just doing normal mom stuff, and writing bills, and phone calls like we all do. I went up to finally take a moment to put my contacts in. In a blink of an eye, I dropped my contact. It was only 1 day old and I frantically looked for it. It was if it disappeared in thin air. I got a flashlight and made a trail to my bedroom and then back to my bathroom, looking for over 45 minutes. . I finally lay on the floor, of my bathroom, with the thought that being at eye-level would help. Then she made her appearance. “Despair.” She asked to join me on the floor? I hesitated because at first I didn’t recognize her. She seemed to actually be compassion? It is so hard to discern sometimes. But then I thought,”why not?” At this point I stopped looking for the contact and looked around, despair making her move and feeding into my thoughts. If I would have been paying more attention I would have not dropped my contact? If my bathroom floor was spotless, I could have immediately found the contact? Why did it seem as if I took one step forward, and two steps back? Despair was so happy to agree with me, she whispered readily that all I was saying was true. She then took a bold step and asked why I was even trying because losing the contact was just the beginning of my failures for the day, for the month, for the year. Suddenly, this moment that started out so small and insignificant was pulling me into despair’s claws and had me paralyzed on my bathroom floor. I found myself in a decision moment.
Immediately, I pulled myself up off of the floor and turned my back to despair. Despair, worried that I no longer needed her “assistance” called to me. I looked into the mirror and told myself that despair had no place in my day today and a lost contact is not that big of a deal. I smiled thinking of my day, of friends, of family who love me, then something happened! I had looked for over an hour for my contact absolutely everywhere and there it was hidden, on top of my ornate faucet, resting in the formation of the swirls. I laughed! Despair threw her hands in defeat and stomped off.
I had this thought, sometimes facing despair without having first hand knowledge that everything is going to be ok, it can be a good thing. What we fight so hard against is sometimes what is making us beautiful humans as we are going thru it. I have to admit, it’s not as easy as it seems and of course we don’t easily accept this. To be honest this is was of those few times I have cried tears while blogging. I didn’t want to go thru what I’ve been thru, I wanted to live this perfect life. I wanted my kids to have this life where I could protect them and they would never experience any hurt. I wanted perfection and others too look at me and say, “wow, she has a perfect life.” I didn’t want to spend hours of my life crying over things that would never change and feeling helpless in that. I didn’t want to fail. So many times I did let despair win and I’m not proud of that. But I hope that I can be that person that has gained this inner beauty as a result of battling defeat. I hope I can ultimately help others see that defeat does not have to be your joy robber.
A woman who chose joy 