My Heart Changing Moment *Annabelle Joy

My heart changing moment was losing my daughter, Annabelle Joy. I was thinking about the “Moment” where one’s world can be so changed that they start defining their entire life by that very Moment. I never understood how someone could define their life in that way? But now that I have my own “Annabelle Joy Moment,” I can grasp this. I think that unless you experience your own life-altering moment, it can be hard to truly fathom another human’s Moment.

I always thought of myself as this compassionate person. I thought I had this connection with people going thru tragedies, until I went thru my own Moment. And only then, did I realize everything I had once offered to hurting people was just surface small talk, sprinkled with safe accolades. Sharing someone else’s Moment can be messy. It hurts and makes you a friend for the long haul. That is a huge heart commitment.

I was worried about writing this blog. From the start of all of this, I promised I would be transparent when I wrote my heart. But sometimes being transparent can open one up for potential hurt. I never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable but I have this fear. This horrible, ugly fear, and I have to admit, sometimes it grips my heart. My fear almost causes physical pain to think about writing it down on paper. The fear I have is that my Annabelle will be forgotten. She was my baby, my child, and I still think about her every day. Why do I feel like I have to apologize for remembering her? I think I worry that sharing my remembrance of her will trigger other people’s memory of their own Moment. And actually we fight that so much, but it can be beautiful.

This may come off as hard to understand, but I embrace my Annabelle Joy moment now. Of course, I get sad. But losing her has made me see life in a total different way. It’s like I had heart surgery, because my heart hurts for people in this deep and intimate way. I know could have never understood other’s pain like I do now. Sometimes, it’s a burden that I get angry about. I don’t want it. I want to just be normal. Sometimes I have those days where I desperately want my Pre-Annabelle Joy moment to be suspended in time. My “Moment” where I first held her and willed her to take a breath. I would do anything to recreate my Pre-Annabelle Joy Moment.

But this is my life’s Moment willed to me. I don’t put blame. I embrace it and wrap my life around the beauty I can find in it. I loved Annabelle with my entire heart. What she held in my life will never, ever be erased. Holding her for 4 days was like a lifetime of holding another child. I cherished that time with her. It is engraved deep in my soul, and today I will finally embrace a chance at a forever memory of her.

I have assurance I will see Annabelle again. I am blessed. Having her as my Moment changed my entire life. It has made me choose joy over and over again. I waited 12 years to be brave after her, until one day I woke up and said “Becky, do you truly choose Joy?” And I knew the answer, I wasn’t choosing joy because I chose fear. I chose this dark, all consuming fear, over beautiful, amazing Joy.

How freeing it is to write these words. My overwhelming desire is to have this resonate with someone else’s hurting heart. Don’t be afraid to make yourself part of someone else’s Moment. I am thankful every day for my Annabelle Joy. This baby changed my heart forever. Happy 12th birthday my sweet baby, I thank you for teaching my heart to choose Joy.